my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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