people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
