I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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