I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
