I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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