Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
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how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
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When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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