Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
