Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Dignity is for republicans.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
