Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
