Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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