Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
