You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
