This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
