my soul wont recognize me after tonight
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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