woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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