Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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