Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
the room spins SO much faster in panama
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
