And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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