My first STD was from a foam party
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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