Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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