Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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