No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
