The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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