he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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