just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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