the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
