so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize
