We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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