Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
