my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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