I met the friendliest cop last night
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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