just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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