She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
