Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
