i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
