She announced her abortion via fbk
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
