its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Drunk is a universal language darling
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
