Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
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Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
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Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love