why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes