He told me they were just razor bumps!
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
