Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Randomize
