You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
