there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
