The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
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