bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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