The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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