I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
