imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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