Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
