If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
