Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
