every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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