I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
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Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
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I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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