Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
