I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
