My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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