Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize