i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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