there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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